Anticipation

I loiter, wait with eager anticipation

Half eleven, Friday night, at the rear of Camden Station

On the corner of a familiar side road
Skulk beneath a flickering street light

Unrecognisably bleak and desolate amid the dead of the night

The alcohol inside me removes my inhibitions, makes my perceptions unclear

All I can think about, is that little bit of Gear

That 0.8 of a gram, only 30% of which is Coke

The remainder a concoction of paracetomol and baby powder

Sticks in the back of your throat, to the point where it makes you choke

My heads whirring, im too paralytic to feel the chill of the wind

And yet having been in the pub since eight, still waiting for my night to begin

That's the problem with this stuff, once it's on the agenda

It presides over every other aspect of your evening, at the forefront of your mind.

While I exchanged banter with my mate

A vacant grin adorned my face, inside I began to agitate

Phoned Him an hour ago now, He said He'd be less than half

Each minute feels like twenty...
Seriously this bloke is having a laugh

Fidget anxiously, begin to pick at my nails, gaze intently straight ahead

I'm rather conspicuous now as I repeatedly glance at the time on my phone

It doesn't cross my mind for a second the attention im attracting

Pacing back and forth, drunk and alone

Every car that passes, seemingly few and far between

Is potentially one carrying the fate of my night in a dog eared lottery ticket
In the back pocket of His jeans.

With every passing minute my blood begins to boil

How can something that your supposedly looking forward to

The sheer thought of it

Make you wince and recoil

This is intended to be a treat

An escape after a hard weeks work

And yet I'm anticipating the dreaded comedown already
Before I've even experienced the euphoria. 

As the night proceeds in my absence I remain in limbo

Got my heart set on that elusive bit of Gear

I'm no longer content to just relax, converse, and enjoy a nice cold beer

Go back in the pub? Content with no drugs? No can't be done, it's past that point

And besides I've already signed that verbal contract
With this seemingly invaluable contact

I can't bail on Him now through fear He'll cut all ties with me

A conflict of emotions towards Him, for He's now over an hour late

But I know when He hands me that compact little wrap

He'll again be my best mate

The hours of my night He left me lurking on the street

Will become irrelevant matter, because by then I'll have my 'treat'.

A set of headlights are approaching

One smashed, slightly dim

As they become larger and grow nearer

In the driver's seat I see Him

Nonchalantly pulls up beside me

in a Volkswagen Golf
Moonlight gleaming off of the metallic silver bonnet
Can now see my reflection in the tinted black window

My clammy palm clutches two crumpled twenty pound notes

My hands tremulous with excitement

My mouth dry with anticipation

Palpatating heart

The rush

Exhilarating

Immense

And at long long last

at 12:05am

My night can commence.

Dear Grandad, From The Grandchildren

A child like exuberance, you were seldom without a smile
A charisma and wit that could charm and beguile
Enthralling us with jokes, or tales from the past
Whether it was the words you spoke, or the faces you pulled
It inevitably made us laugh

Portraying yourself as a young James Dean or Steve McQueen
This loveable rogue
Until you smiled that is
And looked more like Shane MacGowan from The Pogues

To this day we ponder exactly how many white lies those stories consisted
Or whether that bloke you sat waving to really existed
Then there was the inevitable mention of Billy Wright or John Wayne
Names you reiterated countless times
But we'd love to hear again

Envisaging you sitting up there now
Mischievous toothless grin
Remote control in hand, some Scrumpy Jack and a Cadburys Roses tin
We would drag you out of bed with our visits
So enjoy your well earned rest

Because this isn't goodbye Grandad
Why don't we leave it as...
See you soon mate, God Bless

You All Along

Displaying cruel manevolence, showing no sign of benevolence
Sadistic pleasure inflicting emotional pain
The reasons unbeknown because I stood nothing to gain
Aside from the ego boost of your loyalty and affections
I kept you on standby while I searched for perfection
An idealist by nature requiring a companion with no flaws
While your unrequited adoration only furthered my cause

The more devotion I received
The more reason to believe
I'm an object of desire
Therefore I showed you no reprieve
No reciprocation of your feelings
Yet no closure to move on
I endeavoured to keep the door ajar
Whilst your candle for me shone

As time proceeded
Your love for me receded
It apperars that all you needed
Was for me to leave you be
And so the flame that once shone brightly soon began to fade
As your life began to flourish
It appeared that mine began to wade

Distance from eachother
Countless years spent apart
And a now evident disparity between us has emerged

You've matured and blossomed
And in hindsight I was wrong
Because the flawless companion I desired
Had been you all along.

Closed Off

A closed off book, impossible to read
Suppressed emotions, I'm too fearful to need
Why put myself out there and be susceptible to pain?
I'll conceal my true feelings
Again
And again
This facade I portray
This image I convey
Of a self obsessed Narcissist
I know no other way
Little by little
Day by day
Those close to me grow impatient,
With me forcing them away
Another bridge burned
A harsh lesson learned
I hope and I pray for that first page to turn
And reveal the first chapter of a whole new me
Satisfied
Content
Emancipated
Free
These burdens that have stifled me through life
The inability to vocalise my feelings
Has caused countless altercations,
And created internal strife
For which I see no solution
No escape from myself
A closed book I'll remain
Gathering dust on the shelf