Recluse

Gaze with intent at the London skyline, sublime.

Hazed with the fervent aura of the denizens of my time.

Scurrying beneath the cascade of inummerable lights.

Hurrying to beat the rush hour and the encroachment of night.

Dusk is descending upon this menagerie of diversity.

Performing their daily rituals, withstanding monotony, adversity.

Cursory peek at the inhabitants they walk amongst in their trance.

Faceless suits, who if they cared to take more than a glance.

Would realise that this anonymous suit has a face.

The same one they skulk past each day, this very time, this very place.

Each gazing at the pavement beneath them as the capital passes them by.

Content and intent to get home to their lives.

If they stopped for a mere moment to notice the ecclecticity all around.

They would appreciate the cosmopolitanism this city abounds.

The array of lives, characters, stories a plenty.

But the passers by bear no significance, hollow shells, empty.

To all this I bear witness from my one bedroom home.

Through a picture sized window, in my kitchen alone.

I remain resigned to watching them from a distance, appalled.

For if I were to venture into their world I'd exchange pleasantries with them all.

Dreams

Awaiting the emergence of that worthwhile endeavour

A resurgence of that determination thought never to be felt again.

That pleasure, of harbouring ambition and drive

To pursue a successful path, to aspire and strive.

Latently present, never quite rising to the surface

What wonders life will bring me, I've yearned to unearth this

Clear dreams and aspiration experienced as a child

Dreams that possessed no boundries, be the next Dickens, perhaps Oscar Wilde.

Blissful naivety immersed in my imagination

"Be anything you wish to be" was my mantra, my incantation

Limitless aspirations as my mind wandered and soared

Amid the realms of prosperity, reaping countless rewards.

Dreams that fall by the wayside as you stumble through life

Bear witness to the eternal suffering and strife

That surrounds you and corrupts the innocence of childhood

An innocence dispelled with imminence, laid to rest on the pyre wood.

Become all too aware of the world's vulgarity

Begin to cast doubt as to whether these dreams can ever realise any clarity 

Occurrences beyond your control gradually dilute these dreams

As the fabric of wishes you wove as a child begins to tear at the seams.

Life appears to have hit a plateau, not moving but wading

The future you once envisaged now colourless, in the distance fading

Irrevocability you've lost the ability to aspire

With everyday that passes you begin to falter and tire.

Hoping to drift off into a slumber where these dreams are rekindled

Where that slightly torn fabric is now tightly spindled

But the realisation is that you always awake

These transparent dreams never become palpable, opaque.

But remain elusive, not conducive to the life that you lead

For the more that you dwell on them the less you take heed

Of the reality and hardships of the world in which we live

Of the necessity to laboriously work and to give.

Your all, your utmost to succeed and achieve

To take critique humbly, learn from mistakes and believe

Wake up and stop dreaming for the path before you lay steep

But you cannot begin to climb it whilst you remain languidly asleep.

Lily

Fluorescently blossoming, never lie dormant
Amiability and prosperity your decorative adornments
A superficial beauty that's mirrored within
With that of a rosebud you are certainly akin

Fervour of exuberance and vitality in abundance
Lend light to any room you enter, the antithesis of redundant
Exude effervescence from deep down inside
Preclude that your essence shall never subside

Absorb radiation from those you acquaint
Attract adoration, yet your self appreciation remains faint
Ethereal and full of zeal, you float amid the breeze
Permeate within me with nonchalance and ease

The mere sight of you causes ones heart to flourish
My love and affections you cultivate and nourish
An acquired taste, but with impatient haste I'd pick you from a million
While most prefer roses, I choose you, my glowing Lilium

Violence

Violent tendencies can be attributed to many a different notion
Social deprivation, neglect, want of a better way to vent emotion
Frustration, isolation, rumination to hard to bear
A sense of being stifled arousing within whilst one remains unaware.

Encroaching is the lecherous demon ever present
Manifestations of suppressed anxiety, plagued adolescent
Overt action imposed upon those around one, a release
To avert the reaction inside that opposes internal peace
Intrinsic conflicts too difficult to comprehend
A longing to escape the self inflicted boundaries, atone and amend
For outward aggression, perpetual supression, concession I am beat
Spurred by obsession for continual progression, alas the confession of defeat.

Encroaching is the lecherous demon ever present
Now visible signs of anger, pupils enlarged, phosphorescent
No justifiable reason to encourage this state
So pliable is one's temperament, no ability to placate
Pervasive corruption of a yearning to be perceived
As an amiable individual, revered and well received
Attempts to appear so outside the confines of the home
Compounds the intensity of emotion when resigned to being alone.

Encroaching is the lecherous demon ever present
Containment becoming less plausible, violent urges now incessant
Inept to recognise the symptoms that are brewing
The imminent eruption, abruption now ensuing
Indignation aroused by innocuous occurrence
Yet within one's mind adept to proffer assurance
For degeneration, the downward spiral into violence
And so at the point of no return, preceding the storm I've reached the silence.

Violent tendencies can be attributed to many a different notion
Social deprivation, neglect.. I want a better way to vent emotion
Frustration, isolation, rumination to hard to bear
Find a better way of coping, for this is causing me despair.

Self Sabotage

I've surmised that inherently I'm a self saboteur,
The most elated I've ever been,
But to be desolate I must prefer?
To jeopardise the kindredness we share,
The loving, solidarity and care,
Whilst remaining all to aware,
To be without you I can't bear.

The mere notion, the idea,
It's now abundantly clear,
That I must alter my persona to keep you touchingly near,
For I long to clutch you in the warmth of my arms,
To shield you from heartache, pain, sorrow, and harm.

The sole recipient of my affections,

The object of my adoration,
Yet when I treat you unkindly,
You become the catalyst for contemplation,
Of introspective quarrels,

Loathing within,
To refrain from adorning you with tenderness I perceive as a sin.

I'm sorry,
Don't worry,
It shall not happen once more,
For the way I feel now is incomparable to before,
In the time preceding,
Self worth gradually receding,
Unaware all I was needing is you in my life.

Aspire to dispel this temperament,

Which is to mine and your detriment,

For with infatuation towards I am pervasive and rife.

Free

Inhabit my mind and body in it's entirety
Cling to your every utterance with devotion and piety
Society, may ostracise me for not conforming to their rituals
An aspect of my demeanour I deem to be habitual
Unalterable individuality, personality pervaded by duality
In search of some clarity, disparity between my neurosis and my sanity
Attaining self validation through validation from yourself
Tendencies of volatility, opposed by serenity and tranquility
Conflicting emotions of which I have a wealth
Clear sightedness, cleansed perception, a clear direction
Unhazed mindset I attempt to beget, whilst refusing to forget
Unmitigated regret for the heartache upon you I've beset.

Inhabit my mind and body, we are one entity
Ethereally ascending, our attachment blissfully transcending, we are meant to be
Together we will attain enlightenment, entitlement to just be
Emancipation from restriction, we commence our voyage to be free.

Soulmate

Unhappy and discontent are states of mind to which I have become accustomed,
I would say that I don't merely tolerate them, but over time have grown to trust them.
Seemingly the pursuit of 'freedom' from the burdens of my mind,
Is the burden in itself that has not enabled me to find,
An escape from the oppression in which I impose upon myself,

Austerity successfully concealed within, with overwhelming stealth,

Tiresome, emasculating,
Incessant ruminating, contemplating.

I crave an outlet to convey emotion, an infatuation of my heart,
To replace my anxieties and so from discontentment depart,

Furtive seeking of that purposeful sense,
That the despondancy of not unearthing has become all too intense,
In turn going through the motions, mere existence and not living,

To do so with the gift of a life is undeniably unforgiving.

Alas giving in, throwing in the towell,
Casting a cynical eye upon the world,
A bitter, resentful scowl,
Resigned to the fact that this void may never be filled,
This chasm within my essence,

Corrupting my sense of being, stifling my presence.

And that ever elusive contentment to be secure with who I may be,
That long sought after yearning to be free,
I never understood what it was that could be missing,

Perhaps we shall be reacquainted one day to plan a future together and enjoy reminiscing,
About a previous life together to which we must have been a part,

For I refuse to believe that the intensity of the feelings I harbour,

Can only be the start.

It never occured to me for one moment, until acquainted with my fate,
That you were the missing component all along,
My completion.

My soulmate.

Horrors

Desolate. Uninhabitable. Bleak.
Try to escape. There's no escape. Submissively meek.

Rumination. Incessant contemplation. Isolation. Trepidation
Futile attempts to break free. Ritualistic incantation.

Anxious. Sweat profusely. But cold. Shivering.
I get up. Walk around. They pursue me. Body tremulous and quivering.

Lie down. They lie down beside me. Above me. Inside me.
Think. Stop thinking. I don't want to think. They reside in me.

Occupy my mind. Medieval puppet show. They pull the strings. Write the script.
Black death. Danse Macabre. With calamitous intentions they're equipped.

Being summoned. They coerce. Force me.
Cemetery. Penance. No longer remorse free.

Exhausted. But have to dance. Dance until deemed acceptable to cease.
Paralysis. Body is paralysed. Mind yearns for paralysis of peace.

Can't. Won't allow me. Dance. Dance of death.
Laborious dance to the grave. Await with bated breath.

Star

Life isn't long enough to deviate from who you are

Remain honest to what you are beneath the surface

Alleviate the burdens of the heart

Self denial can be bestial

And pent up emotions can only be pent up for a while

Tumultuous, turbulent, suppression eats away at you like a cancer 

Decaying and corrupting the essence of you

Concealing feelings that you know to be true

In the long run isn't the answer

What society deems to be acceptable

What they perceive as being objectionable

Should have no bearing on the choices you make

No contribution towards your hard knocks or your breaks

Let the lynch mob start their riot

Whilst you remain dignified, composed and quiet

For there is no need to make known how you feel within

Or overtly assertively impose your principles upon those as ignorant as sin

Retain your dignity and self assurance

Self belief and perseverance

And strive for success until your heart is content

Become predominantly intent

On grasping life with both hands and not looking back with resent

Considering the wishes of others is to your own detriment

Never attempt to conform to other peoples sentiments

I'll fight your corner

Stand shoulder to shoulder, side by side 

And forever be your confidante in which to confide

Maintain your persona, always be true to who you are

Because effervescent, exuberant, unique

You're a star.

Anticipation

I loiter, wait with eager anticipation

Half eleven, Friday night, at the rear of Camden Station

On the corner of a familiar side road
Skulk beneath a flickering street light

Unrecognisably bleak and desolate amid the dead of the night

The alcohol inside me removes my inhibitions, makes my perceptions unclear

All I can think about, is that little bit of Gear

That 0.8 of a gram, only 30% of which is Coke

The remainder a concoction of paracetomol and baby powder

Sticks in the back of your throat, to the point where it makes you choke

My heads whirring, im too paralytic to feel the chill of the wind

And yet having been in the pub since eight, still waiting for my night to begin

That's the problem with this stuff, once it's on the agenda

It presides over every other aspect of your evening, at the forefront of your mind.

While I exchanged banter with my mate

A vacant grin adorned my face, inside I began to agitate

Phoned Him an hour ago now, He said He'd be less than half

Each minute feels like twenty...
Seriously this bloke is having a laugh

Fidget anxiously, begin to pick at my nails, gaze intently straight ahead

I'm rather conspicuous now as I repeatedly glance at the time on my phone

It doesn't cross my mind for a second the attention im attracting

Pacing back and forth, drunk and alone

Every car that passes, seemingly few and far between

Is potentially one carrying the fate of my night in a dog eared lottery ticket
In the back pocket of His jeans.

With every passing minute my blood begins to boil

How can something that your supposedly looking forward to

The sheer thought of it

Make you wince and recoil

This is intended to be a treat

An escape after a hard weeks work

And yet I'm anticipating the dreaded comedown already
Before I've even experienced the euphoria. 

As the night proceeds in my absence I remain in limbo

Got my heart set on that elusive bit of Gear

I'm no longer content to just relax, converse, and enjoy a nice cold beer

Go back in the pub? Content with no drugs? No can't be done, it's past that point

And besides I've already signed that verbal contract
With this seemingly invaluable contact

I can't bail on Him now through fear He'll cut all ties with me

A conflict of emotions towards Him, for He's now over an hour late

But I know when He hands me that compact little wrap

He'll again be my best mate

The hours of my night He left me lurking on the street

Will become irrelevant matter, because by then I'll have my 'treat'.

A set of headlights are approaching

One smashed, slightly dim

As they become larger and grow nearer

In the driver's seat I see Him

Nonchalantly pulls up beside me

in a Volkswagen Golf
Moonlight gleaming off of the metallic silver bonnet
Can now see my reflection in the tinted black window

My clammy palm clutches two crumpled twenty pound notes

My hands tremulous with excitement

My mouth dry with anticipation

Palpatating heart

The rush

Exhilarating

Immense

And at long long last

at 12:05am

My night can commence.

Dear Grandad, From The Grandchildren

A child like exuberance, you were seldom without a smile
A charisma and wit that could charm and beguile
Enthralling us with jokes, or tales from the past
Whether it was the words you spoke, or the faces you pulled
It inevitably made us laugh

Portraying yourself as a young James Dean or Steve McQueen
This loveable rogue
Until you smiled that is
And looked more like Shane MacGowan from The Pogues

To this day we ponder exactly how many white lies those stories consisted
Or whether that bloke you sat waving to really existed
Then there was the inevitable mention of Billy Wright or John Wayne
Names you reiterated countless times
But we'd love to hear again

Envisaging you sitting up there now
Mischievous toothless grin
Remote control in hand, some Scrumpy Jack and a Cadburys Roses tin
We would drag you out of bed with our visits
So enjoy your well earned rest

Because this isn't goodbye Grandad
Why don't we leave it as...
See you soon mate, God Bless

You All Along

Displaying cruel manevolence, showing no sign of benevolence
Sadistic pleasure inflicting emotional pain
The reasons unbeknown because I stood nothing to gain
Aside from the ego boost of your loyalty and affections
I kept you on standby while I searched for perfection
An idealist by nature requiring a companion with no flaws
While your unrequited adoration only furthered my cause

The more devotion I received
The more reason to believe
I'm an object of desire
Therefore I showed you no reprieve
No reciprocation of your feelings
Yet no closure to move on
I endeavoured to keep the door ajar
Whilst your candle for me shone

As time proceeded
Your love for me receded
It apperars that all you needed
Was for me to leave you be
And so the flame that once shone brightly soon began to fade
As your life began to flourish
It appeared that mine began to wade

Distance from eachother
Countless years spent apart
And a now evident disparity between us has emerged

You've matured and blossomed
And in hindsight I was wrong
Because the flawless companion I desired
Had been you all along.

Closed Off

A closed off book, impossible to read
Suppressed emotions, I'm too fearful to need
Why put myself out there and be susceptible to pain?
I'll conceal my true feelings
Again
And again
This facade I portray
This image I convey
Of a self obsessed Narcissist
I know no other way
Little by little
Day by day
Those close to me grow impatient,
With me forcing them away
Another bridge burned
A harsh lesson learned
I hope and I pray for that first page to turn
And reveal the first chapter of a whole new me
Satisfied
Content
Emancipated
Free
These burdens that have stifled me through life
The inability to vocalise my feelings
Has caused countless altercations,
And created internal strife
For which I see no solution
No escape from myself
A closed book I'll remain
Gathering dust on the shelf